I've been wanting to write something like this for a while, to get some stuff out of my chest.
But I couldn't, as I was bound by admin privacy/duty/whatever you call it
Now I'm done censoring myself though, so here we go with a novel:
4 years ago, in February of 2015, I joined my first ever rp group. It was an idol rp group called MoonRise Academy, based off the anime "Aikatsu!" which I loved to watch.
I seriously didn't know what I was doing (with Zelie) but it looked fun?? So I tried.
Soon after I got recruited as admin because I was often suggesting stuff and all and they liked that. I refused several times but they insisted so much, I finally said yes, and even created a character for it (Taka).
The group didn't have that many members and let's be frank, a lot of them were inactive. Especially in the admin team. I slowly took a higher position thanks to my hard work and had enough power to get rid of the inactive people one by one, because you can't lead a group and keep it active if you're not there yourself?
I tried to recruit more admins but they gave up on the way, leaving me the only admin available to do pretty much everything. It lasted for about 6 months. Then I recruited a few more people and some of them finally were up to the task, MRA became the biggest, most active idol rp group around, we were very proud!
We then decided to create a rival school to have some kind of in-game competition. But what could be interesting? We chose to make a group that would focus on doing what MRA was lacking; it'd be MRA's counterpart: that's how Sunrise Academy was born. I created it from start to finish, as the others were focusing on MRA in my stead.
SRA had always been shadowed by MRA, because of its counterpart nature. But as time went by, I came to dislike how MRA was managed. I progressively felt out of place. I don't mean that it was badly managed or anything, the group was doing well, I just didn't feel at home anymore? But I still liked MRA. So when I reached the conclusion that I lacked the passion to keep things going for MRA, I stepped down from my admin position there, but kept an oc to still enjoy the group.
-And then decided to focus on SRA. Slowly but surely, its MRA counterpart position just wasn't satisfying me anymore. It was way too restrictive, and it was only/mostly about things I had trouble doing? Like, that was only hardships and no fun to do? I used to think I was just not creative enough, but it wasn't the only problem.
So I sat down and thought about how to improve SRA and have it stand by itself. (To this day I don't know if MRA understood my intent at the time, but they sure didn't accept it, and I honestly don't know if they still do, but that's irrelevant.)
We were only 3 admins in SRA and one finally left us because I asked her to choose between MRA and SRA. I always said I wanted different admins to run both groups. We knew she liked MRA more so we weren't surprised by her decision and let her go, no problems here. At least for me(?)
Her departure allowed me to finally let real changes happen in SRA, because until then I had been held back because we had to stay in the counterpart position, which I really disliked. Once set free, I started to work on some major changes and progressively updated SRA's identity.
And that's when troubles started, I think? (or maybe it was before but I never noticed lol)
There was also issues with other groups during the summer of 2017. I had made an admin server on discord to gather all the admins from the various idols schools we've been in contact with. The purpose of this server was to have everyone around to plan events and such. But it quickly became a brawl between certain people/groups. I tried to mediate but I unconsciously ended up making things worse (Learned about it later)
After that incident one of the groups decided to completely cut ties with everyone. Knowing the people involved, I can only say it was probably the best solution for everyone, but I'm still bitter about how it came to be.
I felt so guilty that I deleted that server. (And I couldn't help feeling a bit anxious when another admin server was created by another group some time after)
During the end of 2017/half 2018 there was other various incidents involving some of my friends, leading them to quit the idol world completely, because of certain people as well. I know they all had their own circumstances and I did hear both sides of the stories, but I'm still mad about that for various reasons.
Maybe because they had nobody left for that(?), we slowly and progressively became bullied by another group.
No matter what we would say or do, they would always come nag to us. Always. About anything. And even when we weren't doing anything at all! We were both being criticized because of our inactivity, or for every little thing we'd do. How to get out of such a situation? We got the feeling they wanted us to lower our heads and go apologize to them and promise to be good girls or idk. Really upsetting, unjust, and unjustified!
I know I took some decisions regarding SRA, that bristled some people. Like that one person constantly arguing with me in public channels, despite my efforts to always calm things down and stop fights. That person came and went several times in the group and we were honestly wondering why. They didn't seem to have fun and looked more interested in criticizing everything regarding how SRA worked and such? And starting fights with random people, and scaring the members. Great. (I heard they've been doing the same in another group after being banned from SRA, but said group wasn't as merciful and banned them as well after a month or so lol, some things/people just never change I guess)
I guess my guts occasionally caused some trouble, but I've always tried to settle things and fix my shit.
No I didn't steal your fucking events, I made a list of what I was planning to do, and when I saw it'd only cause damage I simply removed everything (WHICH CAN'T EXACTLY BE SAID OF EVERYONE, EH?!). And I always had to work twice as hard because I couldn't make the exact same things than you, because I knew you were just waiting for that opportunity to bash on us even more. Even about the events I helped to make before.
You ignored us for months, saying you didn't want to do joint events with us, and then you complained because we weren't proposing any joint events? lol?
You're always causing us trouble. Like that time when you started drama when I wasn't even around, only to pat each other's back in your own group, while I had to deal with the mess you had created. And then you call us a clique. The irony's so big, I could physically grab it and give you a face massage with it.
Who's the clique when it takes a single person's complain to turn half a group against SRA? For basically no reason but the fact it's upsetting you?
Even if "you did nothing", don't you ask yourself(ves) questions when 90% of the incidents with people are concerning/related to you?
Idk, it doesn't ring any bells???
And yet I defended you. Always.
The other SRA admins were so done with everything. My job mainly consisted in keeping them at bay and avoid wild explosions. But it seems like you were only asking for trouble anyway. As if it wasn't hard enough as it was?!
Even admins from other groups did feel you were being too hard on us, gdi, some people offered me support in DMs!
And yet I still don't know where that hate/jealousy/whatever is coming from. Nobody does, actually? You're probably the only ones who know. But whatever.
I'm seriously tired of sticking up for people that always end up causing trouble
I'm tired of being dragged in group bullshit when I clearly said I wanted to stay neutral
I'm tired of apologizing for everything and nothing even when there's no reason for it
I'm tired of wasting my time trying not to upset you
I'm tired of watching and doubting my own words in case I create an unwanted/unexpected misunderstanding
I'm sick of being blamed for things I have no power on
I've always fought about not picking a side and even if some people recognize those efforts, it apparently isn't enough
I'm sick of all that constant drama, always caused by the same people
I'm sick of two-faced people, and all that bullying and manipulation
I'm sick of your petty schemes, constant monitoring, and attempts to bring us down/back at your feet. Even though we complained once (we had to because it was becoming unbearable and suffocating), it never really stopped (seriously though, we never did it to you, nor monitored your group, so why?)
I'm tired to see you dragging members into group matters, or groups into people matters
I'm tired of reading you say something and do the opposite less than 24h later
I've been shocked, disappointed and disillusioned to realize some people I thought were "friends" were actually just humoring/putting up with me and using me when they needed.
So yeah I'm also tired to see my "friends" ignoring me because they're too busy with someone else's issues (makes me feel like I'm not a good enough friend? It's horrible?)
Being an admin never was my goal
It was fun at some point
Then it became stressful and really depressing
I was scared of checking my notes, or the admin acc's notes
I was scared to get DMs from some people on discord
I was scared to write in that fucking admin server
-Because I knew I had a good 80% chances (minimum) of being bashed depending on what I was saying
Sad to say but it made me realize how bad things were for that first group that went away
And even if I'm still hurt/angry about them, I can only empathize regarding that at least
YOU'RE the toxic ones. You've always been.
In SRA, we often felt like the fun was being removed from us, because of those people.
What's the point of a rp group if you remove the fun?
Nothing much, right?
Apparently some people just can't help but taking things too seriously
-When it's really just about
fictional characters in a
fictional universe in a
fictional group on a website that's
not even physically real either...
I'm done with all this.
I really am.
I've been patient enough, but this was the last straw.
I've been hurt too much. I lost so much self-confidence because of you all. I even started doubting my english skills and my way to approach people. I thought something was wrong with me.
I don't recognize myself. I feel like I've become a meanier person than I was. And I really hate that feeling.
I've never been this depressed in my life. RL was a part of the reason, but barely 45% of it. And the fact it's over fictional stuff bugs me even more. Stuff like that shouldn't be happening.
I even lost friends. That's another thing I really can't forgive. I feel like since you couldn't make me pick a side, you worked in convincing my friends instead. No matter if it worked or not, that's really so fucking petty.
As petty as calling the SRA members "problematic", "difficult", "annoying" and rejecting them. You don't like people? Good. Just throw them at us. We'll take all your "rejects" and play with them and have fun together. No biggies.
You can take stuff (friends, drawings) away from me. It's fine. No matter what happens, we both know I won't retaliate. Because that's just not my thing. As usual I'll stay in my corner and nod and not say anything. People might even never know about anything. I know I bottle too much things. I don't talk often about that, but I've seen a lot of shit, and today I think I know what I should do, based on that.
I'm stepping down from my admin position in SRA but I'm staying as a member. I like the rp community and the game/challenge in itself. I'm just not interested in running a group anymore. I need to finish resources I promised to Joana, but that's all. Don't count on me for anything else. Don't fucking ask me group stuff anymore. I won't be your punching bag any longer.
I like SRA and I like how it became. I'm quite proud of having come that far, just with Joana and me (and our ghost admin).
The members are good people (I'm very grateful of their patience with me until now), they find the group interesting, and are having fun so far. That's honestly all I'm wishing for. SRA's identity is finally settled and there isn't much more to do, that's why I think it's a good time for me to finally leave.
Some friends were worried about me and regularly checking on me. I used to say and laugh about "Yes, I know I'm being abused/bullied, but it's ok!" because I had too much faith in people. Now I can throw my empathy outta the door and bury it deep in my garden. (or keep it for other people I guess)
I'll need more time to heal and find my new landmarks. I do have RL behavior issues to manage as well but they're really unrelated.
Besides i'm sure some people will be relieved to see me gone, as I apparently was a bad admin ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I wonder if you'll play the self-pity game this time again. I mean I don't think I've ever done anything to you compared to your previous issues with other people? Sure I forget a lot of things. But I have friends to remember in my stead. And some of them just won't forgive what YOU've done to me, and to SRA. And this time I'm not disposed to forgive either, hence my decision to leave the SRA admins; and write this journal.
Don't even start saying you had no part in this mess. Don't go saying you don't know what's happening. Don't even THINK you're innocent. Because we ALL know it's not true. And since you don't seem like wanting to stop/leave yourself(ves), then I'm doing it instead.
You can only blame yourself if I leave, because I'M deciding to do so, by myself. I don't hate you, but I want nothing to do with you anymore. (at least for my own safety? Mental health? Whatever you call it? Or just everything at once??)
You wanted me to pick a side? Well I'm choosing freedom. Satisfied? Yes? No? Good.
Au revoir.At least now I won't have any more reasons to get blamed for stuff.
I enjoyed it and I'm eagerly waiting for each new episode of season 2 xD
